Sufferings from trust deficit

Rabin Prasad Kalita *

Still her happiness was inadequate though her friends would pass some positive comments on her attire she wore unless and until I appreciated her with my pet word ‘awesome’. Bhairabi came into my world of love in an off white suit with pinpricking sparkly blacks around and disappeared with a pair of beautiful silk bridal wear with another. How come such a benign relationship can be so worst irrevocably which blew my whole world apart?

We met each other on virtual world and also both of us known through our profile pictures on Face book. First we were just friends as others. If I have not forgotten, once there was a political function which was held near to her house where she was also present under the same shade. She could lend my notice due to her simplicity in get up as if I saw her before.

Her glowing fleshy appearance was vivid through a pair of drooping braid waved over both the sides of her forehead to the chin. First we exchanged our smiles to each other then there were a few minutes of brief talks between two friends. Suddenly she pointed her fingers towards her home and invited me for a cup of tea. I couldn’t disdain her wish on the spot and I went.

She was facing her last semester of engineering degree then. Back home her elderly mom along with her younger brother were residing at about 400 kms away from her daughter. She lost her Dad in a road accident while she was only 10. Her mom met the expenditure of both the ends somehow with the meager family pension after her dad’s early demise.

This was also one of the reasons for which my heart started melting towards her. Here is my love story which looks a bit filmy but it left me cracked my wisdom of true love into pieces.

After having completed my M Sc in Physics, instead of searching a job, I started my own small business of a coaching institute for competitive entrance examinations which was specially designed for medical and engineering aspiring students. Though it was not doing well due to the mushrooming business of this kind everywhere, but still I was adhering to my job.

Gradually our simple friendship started gaining its maturity to some other direction. We both started loving each other. Our mere friendship bloomed to love within a very short period of time. Our face book being a public platform of communication was put on hold but messaging as well as telephonic conversations were established in place. Mostly we were sharing our all sorts’ of problems as well as contentment over phone with amity if physical meeting was not possible.

By the time, she completed her graduation and got admitted in M Tech to continue her further study in the same Institution. Steadily my association along with her ascended further and I also took part in any kind of discussion with her other two members of the family. She felt my presence as her strength and confidence.

More often she would call me out there in the institute to accompany her while coming home on holidays. I went one or two days in advance so that we could wander together and taste some appetizer outside along with hell lot of talks. During our journey, mostly we shared each of the sides of a single headphone and relished the same song together. We didn’t know how four hundred kilometers of long distance became so petite to travel with.

One evening we went in a pizza hut of that tinsel university town for some refreshment. While pizzas were served on the table, she too took out a Tiffin box and displayed self prepared chicken Masala, which was brought specially for me. I was surprised and said “dear, it’s not wise to have your home made food here”.

Further I said her to put the lid on and keep the box where it was, otherwise what those people around would think about us. She reiterated and said what would happen if we had that there with soaking eyes. I could notice that and felt ‘wasn’t it a true love’? My void state of mind got pumped up with myriad happiness which was inexpressible.

By now our relationship was not concealed for anyone right from her room mates to her neighbours back home. I dared to walk her home majestically as if I was one of their family members.

I had everything at my reach but still I sometime felt lonely at home. There was still sticking something in my mind which made me worried. During our conversation, I heard saying by her mom many a times to fulfill a prerequisite condition that I must have a government job at least so that I can be rest assured to have Bhairabi as my life partner. It sounded absurd in my ears and pricked somewhere in my heart.

By the time she was preparing National Eligibility Test (NET), slowly Bhairabi too started insisting me to fetch a higher level Govt. job for which I had no interest as my plan was to build up and stretch my own venture. There was no such demand or pre-condition set by her earlier which was painted later on.

As she was pursuing higher education, accordingly her anticipation also went higher to have a man of her choice. Moreover she too knew it that, to find a job of that standard was not possible abruptly. May be it was her pre-conceived plan to get herself out of me!

There was an opening for contractual jobs in the Institute no sooner she successfully completed her NET. She too applied for the same with others and was fortunate enough to get cleared. She never can deny my helter-skelter during the entire interview process. I wanted to see her becoming a professor. Thus she joined as an assistant professor on ad-hoc basis.

With time, I sensed that our duration as well as frequency of telephonic chats was getting reduced. As the days were passing on, she was trying keeping distance from me in all sorts of communications. Bit a bit, the state of her mind forced me to assume a vague picture of our long association.

The feelings of love is so passionate that it feels like it will last forever but, it also true that the other person may not feel the same way. Within a few days of her joining as teacher, Mr. Lucky came to her clutch who happened to be a permanent teacher of the same institution. It was learned from her room-mate that not only they were limited to their mere love but also reached into the final word of nuptial loop to be solemnized soon.

Bhairabi pretended to be extremely disappointed that her marriage was fixed as told by her mother. Accordingly she disseminated the same over phone to me before it was known from any other sources. So, she tried with her damage control words to console me, but it gave me a metal taste on my teeth and tongue forever. Moreover, I knew from the feedback of her friend that she was quite excited about her wedding; moreover she had no sign of showing the pain of separation.

Oh my goodness! Was it a true love for which she cried once for fear of getting neglected; was it a true love for which she felt protected owing to my presence? I could not imagine that she loved me more than I did. Her love was like three words “I love you” written on a paper, crushed after reading and then thrown into the trash bin.

The emotion which was shared with me once became a part of someone else then. Left everything on my fate, I helplessly imagined all those marriage proceedings of my happy girlfriend lying on my bed back at home. I would have been pleased to be a bonded labour on her big day if I were invited. But she didn’t do that. My friends got bemused to see me so composed.

It was like changing of my colourful spring season of love to hot summer all of a sudden. My hope and trust buried deep into the anguish of severance. I was suffering from a trust deficit. Lest I could go back to the day one we met each other, my option would be to make a u-turn and walk away.