Being a good (and wise) parent from Buddhist’s perspective
Thangjam Sanjoo Singh *
Buddhist Temple in Bangkok, Thailand in March 2016
When dealing children, it’s helpful to rely on the four sublime abidings –
1) Loving-kindness
2) Compassion
3) Sympathetic and
4) Equanimity
When we bring children into the world, our first instinct is always going to be loving-kindness. We have love for them because they are our children. And one of the foremost qualities of a good parent is helping without wishing for anything in return.
We aren’t looking for anything bad, we just give. This is correct-we should always have the sense of well-wishing and kindness for our children. Then when they fall into suffering into any kind, compassion naturally arises. We don’t want them to suffer and so wish for any kind an end to their suffering.
Conversely, when our children meet with any kind of success or happiness in life, we can share in that by feeling happy for them and hoping it continues. And finally, if in certain situations they are having problems but it is beyond our ability to help them, then the correct approach is that of equanimity.
We have to understand that everyone is subject to their karma, and our children bring their own karma, accumulations – habits, characteristics, personality traits – with them into the world.
If our children are having problems but there is nothing we can say or do, then we have to stay back. This is equanimity, where we have sense of balance and patience. We understand karma and accept that at the moment there is not much we can do to change things. “Oh, at the moment the situations is like this.
It’s beyond my control there is not much we can do.” There is still love for them, but we are not trying to force them to change. Conditions will change on their own.
If our children are not able solve things by themselves then maybe later we may be able to teach and help them. But we have to remember, especially in the long term, that things are not certain, that people change. Sometimes children are really good. They have many good qualities, and because of this they are popular.
Then they grow up and get married and move away. They have their own families now, their own responsibilities. And that’s it. They have no time left for us because they already have their own duties and obligations.
Our children may start off as being not very ‘good.’ Not very successful, not very responsible. But later on they might be the ones who end up looking after us and helping us most when we are older.
I have seen this on many, many occasions. And thinking that the ‘good’ child will stay and look after you and the ‘bad’ child will go away and never help – these are not sure things. They can change one- hundred percent over the course of a life time. So we should remember that Karma is changeable.
In the same way, people are changeable. It is not the case that everything is going to be fixed as it is forever.
When we remember this truths, it help us to let go a bit more. Our child may have all kinds of good qualities that simply haven’t flowered yet.
If we have patience and think in this way, then we don’t have to suffer or worry so much. We can let go and just see what happens.
* Thangjam Sanjoo Singh wrote this article for The Sangai Express
The writer is a President of an NGO called Population Health Institute (PHI) and he can be reached at thangjamsanjoo42(AT)gmail(DOT)com
This article was posted on December 15, 2016.
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