From me to you, Dad !!!
- A silent cry of a child for his dead dad -

Dr. Konsam Suken Singh *

As a happy school-going kid, when I look back at my childhood days, it seems that I had never missed anything in my life those days,....except that whenever I saw my friends (or any child of my age-group) coming to school sitting at the back of their father's scooter or holding their father's hand on foot; I, still remember clearly, always felt something uneasy deep in my heart which was unexplainable as a child (kid) that time and which later on in my life, I come to realize it to be something which I always miss in my entire life.

It was at such a time of childhood when every kid really needed to be under the warm care and affection of one's dad, which every kid craves and longs for, ..something in which they feel most secure, happy and confident, ..something for which they feel proud to self and to the world. But it was not destined for me that way,...things went the other way round for me even though I was not indifferent to the other kids in this very feeling of longing and craving for the "Fatherly love".

It seems that my father had been a good man in his previous birth too as he was in this birth so as for the Almighty to miss him (my Dad) a lot that He (Almighty) called him back from this beautiful world for his heavenly abode too soon, only in his mid forties; thereby, separating him from his young and only son in his tender age, and thus depriving him (his son) of all his dad's love and care throughout his life.

It was at a time when I was just 7 years old that he (my dad) left me, my mother (only in her early forties) and my six elder sisters. After that, even though I was brought up by my widowed mother and my six sisters without a father in our middle class family, I had never known the dark side of life because, being the only son in the family and also the youngest in the family, I was pampered by everyone in the family and I used to be provided the best of my every want (s) as they all tried their bests to fulfill all of my desires and needs.

It still echoes to my ears till today that one day my mother told me in my early days,.''...even though you don't have your father with you, I and your sisters will never let you feel his abscence at any phase of your life as long as we are alive and we will never let you down infront of your friends..!"

I think she really meant it because till today I have never felt any kind of break in my life because of my father's early abscence as she and my six lovely sisters have always been there for me even at the behest of my worst situation; thus, shaping me up to what I am today. Thanks to my old mom and my six lovely sisters.

Though that was the way I was brought up; nevertheless, I don't know why but even though my mother tried her best to fill up the gap of my father's absence, some unusual feelings always made my inner-self uneasy whenever I felt the need of a father's warm care and physical presence beside me.

She (my mother), though a middle class widow, sent me to the best of schools of that time, gave me the best of foodings and clothings which even others (of my same age-group at that time) couldn't get inspite of being brought up by both their parents, provided me the best care and love ever and guided me to the best way possible. I was, therefore, wondering as a kid often, ''...still then what do I need more ??'' For a moment or so, I was contented with myself, but the very next moment...

... when I saw my friends coming to school being accompanied by their fathers in their scooter or car or even on foot laughing and cheering with each other,
...when I saw them taking a walk in the early morning or in the evening holding their father's hand,
...when I saw them in the children park or in the 'mela' places eating ice-cream sitting on their father's shoulder,
...when I saw them playing with their fathers in the garden,
...when I saw them being consoled by their fathers in their bad times...
...(whenever I saw them in this way with their fathers) I always felt something vacant and uneasy but unexplainable deep inside my heart, something which was neither jealousy nor greed, rather something which was emotional and sensational to my innerself.

All the time I kept on asking myself ''...why this 'uneasy vacant feeling' when I get everything from my mother whatever they get from their father ?? " That time I could not get the answer,... even though I USED TO GET A FADED GLIMPSE OF MY DAD infront of me whenever that very question arose in my mind.

It is later on, years afterwards, when I grew up only that I realize that 'that uneasy vacant feeling' was nothing but ' the longing of the fatherly love', which I very much needed in those days of my childhood like other kids did, something which I always longed and craved for even though I couldn't realize myself being too young to realize that time and which I am still longing for till today even at this adulthood.

So, today only I realize that even though nothing seemed to be missed in my childhood, I have always missed, am missing and going to miss forever one of the "Biggest thing" of my life,...and that is ' your love and physical presence ', dad. I always missed 'THAT' dad;....that was the only reason why that 'uneasy vacant feeling' haunted me all the time whenever I saw my friends along with their fathers those days. But it is true dad, even though you had left me already when I needed your warm physical presence and tender love, you were always IN me, and I know you also loved me even though you left me alone at a time when you were not supposed to.

Again, today only I realize ...
...why you took that over-enthusiasm spending long long hours in spite of your tight schedules just to press my school-uniforms so neat and clean,
...why you used to run back home from your work leaving behind your friends and accomplices just to play with me for a while before I went to sleep,
...why you scolded me warmly when I sometimes misbehaved to my elders and friends just to make sure that I grew up with good manners,
...why you always made sure that I ate and slept in time and that I got the best of them, ...why you were so restless and worried that evening when I came back a bit late from my school due to some mechanical breakdown in my school van,
...why you cried secretly one day when the doctor fixed my broken leg due to a minor fall,
...why you spent sleepless nights beside me when I was suffering from just a mild fever,
...why you patted my shoulder with a proud smile on your cheerful face (which I could never be able to see again) when you saw my school report card,
...and why you looked at me that way (The Day You Left me for your heavenly abode) from your dying bed that unfortunate evening with tears of unfulfilled dreams rolling down from both of your always smiling eyes before you closed them forever.....

..........why all those, dad...why ?? !!!! I know, all those were just because you loved me more than anything else. So, dad,..even though you were not with me in person, why didn't you come sometimes in my dreams and take me to the world holding my hands tight with yours (just holding your hand in my dream would be enough for me to make me feel you, dad, I won't ask you more) and tell to the world that ' you are MY DAD' and that you loved me, love me and will be loving me forever even in your absence, as you do. And believe me, I too love you so much dad,.. so much...and miss you all the time,...all the time !!!!!

It's (this love) from me to you, dad.

* Dr. Konsam Suken Singh contributes to regularly. The writer is currently working with SRM Medical College, Chennai as an Assistant Professor (AP) in the Department of Forensic Medicine. The writer can be contacted at drsuken(at)yahoo(dot)co(dot)in
This article was webcasted on February 08th, 2010.

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